how to know when a party is over.

i really have not been updating this blog as often as i would like. and for that i apologize. these past two months have been pretty gosh darn crazy. the working life is great. i can't believe i wanted to stay in school. sure, college life was great, but having money is even greater. loves it.
in these two months i've learned quite a lot: what to not to say to me co-workers, what links to not send to my boss, when to stop drinking, etc. well, i'm having trouble with that last part, but its a constant learning process. i'm getting there.

what did i learn this weekend? how to know when a party is over.

here, we see everyone enjoying themselves with some food. this is where many parties originate. at a semi-boring get to know you event usually revolving around food.

just so you know, i was good. i did not eat anything at this dinner. diet success.

here, you see the classic pre-drunk picture. everyone is smiling, looking at the camera.

weeee.

compare that with the following picture. clearly this picture was taken during a party. no one seems to know whats going on. one person's happy, the other is mad, neither are looking at the camera.

skinny on the left is so happy. fatty on the right is so angry. what does this mean? with an increase of fat, comes an increase of anger and unhappiness. correlation implies causation.

another picture taken during the party. here you see what is commonly known as bromance. not generally seen before a party, but as soon as the party starts there is groping and hugging to be had.

why is my head 1/2 size of everyone elses?

and now, how do you know when its time to go home?
when girls decide that you are a stripper pole and decide to dance on you rather than with you.

also when a kid is on the ground.

when you look to your left...

and to your right..

and both people are dead...

when it's 5 in the afternoon and you are found in this position...

fml.

when you decide it is socially acceptable to use your body as a pu-pu platter...

this anonymous person reminds me of a redneck after tailgating.

but the number one way to know when a party is over...

WHEN SOMEONE THROWS UP ON YOUR SHOES. WHO DOES THAT?!

oh wait, i know who.

remember kid on the ground? he owes me a new pair of shoes.

fml. worst life ever. i loved those shoes so much.

sidenote: no alcohol was used in the taking of many of these pictures. most pictures were staged and/or taken out of context. there is an explanation for all the various poses and seemingly professionally condemning photos. please do not fire me. i am so good. if you are confused on any of these pictures, there is a perfectly good explanation to all of them. all you have to do is ask.

in other news.

i bought new shoes.

and now you know. that's all for now. time to be good forever. have a super sunday and a wonderful week!

why i am bad.

today, i'd like to start a new series entitled, "why i am bad." it will chronicle all the things i do that make me a horrible person. perhaps one day, i will also start a series entitled, "why i am good." but it will not be this day.

hopefully this series will help me change and start doing good things though. you see, recently i decided that i would be good for the rest of the year. i decided that i would spend my nights quietly reading and doing good righteous things. this decision was made monday. this decision was tested on friday. this decision was decided to be a failure.

so the plan on friday was to get off work. relax, maybe work out for a little bit. and then head to a birthday dinner for a friend followed by a nice calm night reading at home. this plan was immediately altered when a coworker asked me if i'd like to join him and some other coworkers at sweetwater brewery. now, being allergic to alcohol and everything bad, i've never been there. so i thought it would be fun to hang out with the guys after work and unwind until dinner, which was planned for 8. so i agreed to head out with them at 4 and hang out until it was time for dinner. this was my first mistake.

figure 1. this was my second mistake.

these "vip" bracelets are the worst trickster things ever invented. they shout "you are special and powerful. you can have unlimited beverages at no cost. you can also start drinking at 4:30 before other people get in. when people do get in at 6, you can keep drinking for absolutely no cost. you are superman. what? you're hungry because you barely ate lunch? how about another beer. you can keep drinking as much as you want with zero inhibitions. weeee. oh no, you're out? have another! you are unstoppable!"
lies. all lies. never ever listen to the bracelet. it will do you no good. you see, sweetwater is a client of ours. and so sweetwater thinks it is doing me a favor by giving me this bracelet. sweetwater is full of tricksters. you see, they knew i was thirsty; the only thing available to quench my thirst was beer. they knew i was hungry; the only thing available to satisfy my hunger was beer. they knew i was going to make bad life decisions.

now, i had told a few friends of my decision to be good for the rest of the year. here are a series of texts i sent to them throughout the night chronicling my decision making.

if you will notice in figure 2, i am asked the same question three times. i am answering the question zero times.

figure 2. that last word is supposed to be nothing. i think.

figures 3-5 show my ongoing conversation with a friend who is also going to the bday dinner. if you notice the timestamp, at 5:30 i already knew i would not be able to drive. even though dinner was at 8, i was smart enough to know that i would not stop drinking for a really long time.

figure 3. "i am drunk and not stopping." this basically sums up the night.

in figure 4, you will see that at 7:16, i was not quite ready to leave. the bracelet convinced me i was still thirsty. luckily my friend decided to pick someone else up first.

figure 4. the day is saved.

in figure 5, you will see that "me" i commonly misspelled as "mr." crazy phone.. also you will notice "kk see you soon." is easily misspelled as "Kktrswjjhttubetjg." at least the punctuation was correct there. i cannot explain the grammatical errors that follow. do not judge me.

figure 5. these touchscreen keyboards are really tricky.

sometime around 7:45, my friend picks me up. this is evidenced by her "i'm here faggot" text msg. completely unnecessary. well, it is at this time that the bracelet's power starts wearing off. it is at this time that i start thinking about all the empty calories i consumed from the constant intake of beer. and how i am still freakin' hungry and how i will be ultra fat and my diet is ultra fails. it is at this time that i decide the best way to lose the caloric input from beer is to become bulimic. and so.. yeaa....

anyways, we get to the restaurant and get ready to surprise the birthdayboy. well, we as in my friends. i was not quite in a classy enough state to be seen in public. i spend the dinner taking a peaceful little catnap in the car. afterwards, everyone goes to a friends house to continue the party and wellwishing that occurs during birthdays. i, as evidenced by figure 6, just want to die.

figure 6. i just want to die.

and this, is why i am bad.

FAQ:
1. yes, all i had to drink was beer.
2. yes, i threw up on beer alone.
3. no, i do not do this a lot.
4. no, i am never drinking again.
5. yes, i am staying home and reading for the rest of my life.
6. white people are crazy. i am never drinking with them again.

dear little asian boy,

3 times i have walked past you at the crc...
3 times you have tapped me on the shoulder as i passed you...
3 times you have said, "hey john!" as you tapped me on the shoulder...
3 times i have said, "hey man, what's up." in response to your "hey john!"
3 times i have had no idea who you are...

now, we're going to have to do something about this. usually, i just pretend to know you and then go on with my life. but you look so young and cute and innocent. it breaks my heart feigning a friendship with you when i have no idea where i know you from. i've ever slightly followed you to see who your friends are. and i still have no idea. if you could just add me on facebook, that would be grand. it would take away the awkwardness of me having to ask how i know you and i could find out who your friends are and connect the dots.

little asian boy, in case you don't know who you are, i have some clues that i hope can help you figure it out. you wear glasses like these...

you look kinda like this...

except not gay.

well, on second thought, you could look like anyone one of the following...

again, not gay. and much more cutie and innocent.

so help me out and add me on facebook, kthaaaaanks.

in other news.. i have been playing basketball a lot and realized that i used to feel bad for the random old people at the gym. they usually came alone and while they had some friends on the court, they always arrived and left alone. i've always felt bad for all the old creepers that did that. well, not anymore. because i have become that old creeper. and it's actually not that bad. i love going alone, making friends with random people and then leaving alone. no schedule to follow, no having to wait on andy's slow ass everywhere. walk in, get picked up, run, then leave. who knew growing up could be so fun. weeee.

i am my father's son.

and that's all i got today. life has been good but busy. i can't believe i haven't updated in more than a week. also, i've got a camera coming in, so get ready for lotsa new pics soon! weeee.
have a thrilling thursday!

how i am george costanza.

you know what annoys me? quizzes that people take on facebook. i hate seeing that "rando ugly fattie is ron weasley! come take your own quiz and find out which harry potter character you are!"
naw, homegirl, you fat and ugly, you hagrid, end of story.
facebook is getting way too crazy now. can someone please tell me the difference between live feed and newsfeed?

the reason i mention these quizzes is bc i recently saw one asking "which sienfield character are you?" ok, thats a lie. i've never seen that quiz, but i thought it would make for a good intro. anyways, what matters is it reminded me of a blog post i'd been meaning to write for sometime. how i am george costanza.

a year ago, i was telling a friend of mine about my internship at anonymous company. while there, i told him how i was able to convince 3 different managers that i was working on projects for another manager. therefore, being able to get paid while never doing any work. also, i worked a weird schedule that no one actually knew anything about. so i was able to come in whenever and put a few extra hrs here and there. i was young, forgive me.
well, i told my friend this and he said i was just like george costanza from sienfield, one of my fave shows ever, bc george was always doing things to get paid for doing nothing. i laughed at the comment bc i thought it was pretty much true. little did we know how true that comment was. later that night, on my random wikipedia searching sprees, i decided to wiki george costanza. what i found was shocking and astounding.

actually, first i googled george costanza. and this was the first picture to come up.

i have no idea how many pictures i have of myself in this pose.

already, i was very intrigued to see how much more i was like george costanza. well, he is described as a "Short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man". ok, short and slow-witted, maybe. stocky? i hope not and def not bald.. yet. 2/4 ain't bad but not great. i read on..

"Characteristics: George is neurotic, self-loathing, and dominated by his parents." after wikipediaing "neurotic" i determined that was def. all 3. how do i know this? just read my following tweets:
neurotic - "dang it, used "gonna" instead of "going to" in chat with coworker. stupid john!"
self-loathing - " i ask myself, "why did these people hire me?!" every time i come to work.."
dominated by parents - a few weeks ago, my mom told me to be careful when i go out. bc people might put drugs in my drink and do things to me. somehow, i feel like they are going after different prey...

"Throughout Seinfeld's first season, George was portrayed as a moderately intelligent character—at one point; he mentions an intellectual interest in the American Civil War and, in some early episodes, appears almost as a mentor to Jerry—but gets less sophisticated, to the point of being too lazy even to read a 90-page book. However, one Chicago Tribune reviewer noted that, despite of all his shortcomings, George is "pretty content with himself."
well, my mom always said i was smart but lazy. i prefer stupid and lazy. and despite all my shortcomings and failures, i am very content with myself. so pretty much spot on here.

"George exhibits a number of negative character traits, among them stinginess, selfishness, dishonesty, insecurty, and neurosis."
dont' believe that i exhibit all of these character traits? just go on one date with me. jk! i am ultra good guy!

"Many of these traits form the basis of his involvement in various plots, schemes, and awkward social encounters. Episode plots frequently feature George manufacturing elaborate deceptions at work or in his relationships in order to gain or maintain some small or imagined advantage. He had success in "The Opposite," in which Jerry advises him to do the opposite of what his instincts tell him to do, which results in him getting a girlfriend and a job with the Yankees."
mm, i've talked my way into getting someone to pay for a dollar movie bc i drove; had my boss's daughter at a tutoring place pay for my movie ticket; gotten 3 different managers thinking that i was working on a project for someone else; cheated of the people next to me and gotten higher scores. as for doing the opposite of what my instincts tell me to do. i never tell anyone related to my professional life about my blog no matter how much i want to. currently, i am still employed, probably not for long though...

"His relationship with Elaine and Kramer is likely a love/hate relationship. With Elaine, he does get into arguments in one episode, even though he is scared of her."
have you met my friend grace?

"He has an affinity for nice restrooms and lush work facilities. In "The Revenge", he quits his real-estate job solely because he is forbidden to use his boss's private bathroom." In "The Busboy", he claims to have a cursory knowledge of the locations of the best bathrooms in the city.
i also have an affinity towards clean restrooms, refusing to go to any public ones unless completely necessary. at gatech, i trust the management building, 1st floor student center (never 2nd), coc building, and the crc (but only to pee). recently, i was forced to poo at a chevron. i showered for 45 minutes that night.

"He also displays a fear of diseases, such as lupus and cancer. "
umm, chlamydia?

"George is the only character who isn't able to smoke a cigarette. "
smoking, are you joking? that is all you need to know.

"The extreme closeness of the friendship (with Jerry) is occasionally mistaken for homosexuality."
for some reason, i come across the same problem.

"..in "The Cartoon", George dates someone whom Kramer insists is merely a "female Jerry". When George is forced to note to himself that the idea of a female Jerry with whom he can have a close personal relationship and also a sexual relationship would be everything he has ever wanted, George, in horror, breaks off his relationship with the woman."
i once decided that if there was a female Andy, i might fall in love.

any questions?

and that is how i am george costanza.
that's all for now. hope you had a marvelous monday and a terrific tuesday tomorrow.

this is too funny not to post...

props to my BFF4ever for finding this!
btw, i hate raccoons. i hope you what raccoons stands for bc they are the worstest things in the world. i am too angry to post tonight. have a fabulous friday tomorrow.
hopefully i'll post this weekend.

p.s. i want earrings. should i? i know i'm getting old now, and my work people might fire me and shun me forever. but i really want some now. unfortunately, i have no earlobes. so i dont know if they would look good on me.

should i??? i would not be asking this if i had earlobes...
why does jesus hate me so?

p.p.s. i was at an asian market the other day and saw this.

really, vietnam? really. who's gonna use a fork thats all oily like that?

p.p.p.s. my work people already hate me.. how do i know this? the following conversations occurred this week.

on sametime (office chat program)
me: that's cool. :).
co-worker: don't smiley face me.
me: :(.
co-worker: those faces are not suitable for conversations between men.
me: you consider me a man?!
co-worker: *signs off

ok, the last two lines didn't happen, but you know...

bossman: hey john, i want you to look through this and update me with more current data. *hands me packet
me: but..
bossman: *walks away

:(.