why i am bad.

today, i'd like to start a new series entitled, "why i am bad." it will chronicle all the things i do that make me a horrible person. perhaps one day, i will also start a series entitled, "why i am good." but it will not be this day.

hopefully this series will help me change and start doing good things though. you see, recently i decided that i would be good for the rest of the year. i decided that i would spend my nights quietly reading and doing good righteous things. this decision was made monday. this decision was tested on friday. this decision was decided to be a failure.

so the plan on friday was to get off work. relax, maybe work out for a little bit. and then head to a birthday dinner for a friend followed by a nice calm night reading at home. this plan was immediately altered when a coworker asked me if i'd like to join him and some other coworkers at sweetwater brewery. now, being allergic to alcohol and everything bad, i've never been there. so i thought it would be fun to hang out with the guys after work and unwind until dinner, which was planned for 8. so i agreed to head out with them at 4 and hang out until it was time for dinner. this was my first mistake.

figure 1. this was my second mistake.

these "vip" bracelets are the worst trickster things ever invented. they shout "you are special and powerful. you can have unlimited beverages at no cost. you can also start drinking at 4:30 before other people get in. when people do get in at 6, you can keep drinking for absolutely no cost. you are superman. what? you're hungry because you barely ate lunch? how about another beer. you can keep drinking as much as you want with zero inhibitions. weeee. oh no, you're out? have another! you are unstoppable!"
lies. all lies. never ever listen to the bracelet. it will do you no good. you see, sweetwater is a client of ours. and so sweetwater thinks it is doing me a favor by giving me this bracelet. sweetwater is full of tricksters. you see, they knew i was thirsty; the only thing available to quench my thirst was beer. they knew i was hungry; the only thing available to satisfy my hunger was beer. they knew i was going to make bad life decisions.

now, i had told a few friends of my decision to be good for the rest of the year. here are a series of texts i sent to them throughout the night chronicling my decision making.

if you will notice in figure 2, i am asked the same question three times. i am answering the question zero times.

figure 2. that last word is supposed to be nothing. i think.

figures 3-5 show my ongoing conversation with a friend who is also going to the bday dinner. if you notice the timestamp, at 5:30 i already knew i would not be able to drive. even though dinner was at 8, i was smart enough to know that i would not stop drinking for a really long time.

figure 3. "i am drunk and not stopping." this basically sums up the night.

in figure 4, you will see that at 7:16, i was not quite ready to leave. the bracelet convinced me i was still thirsty. luckily my friend decided to pick someone else up first.

figure 4. the day is saved.

in figure 5, you will see that "me" i commonly misspelled as "mr." crazy phone.. also you will notice "kk see you soon." is easily misspelled as "Kktrswjjhttubetjg." at least the punctuation was correct there. i cannot explain the grammatical errors that follow. do not judge me.

figure 5. these touchscreen keyboards are really tricky.

sometime around 7:45, my friend picks me up. this is evidenced by her "i'm here faggot" text msg. completely unnecessary. well, it is at this time that the bracelet's power starts wearing off. it is at this time that i start thinking about all the empty calories i consumed from the constant intake of beer. and how i am still freakin' hungry and how i will be ultra fat and my diet is ultra fails. it is at this time that i decide the best way to lose the caloric input from beer is to become bulimic. and so.. yeaa....

anyways, we get to the restaurant and get ready to surprise the birthdayboy. well, we as in my friends. i was not quite in a classy enough state to be seen in public. i spend the dinner taking a peaceful little catnap in the car. afterwards, everyone goes to a friends house to continue the party and wellwishing that occurs during birthdays. i, as evidenced by figure 6, just want to die.

figure 6. i just want to die.

and this, is why i am bad.

FAQ:
1. yes, all i had to drink was beer.
2. yes, i threw up on beer alone.
3. no, i do not do this a lot.
4. no, i am never drinking again.
5. yes, i am staying home and reading for the rest of my life.
6. white people are crazy. i am never drinking with them again.